Connor's secret
by beckerandjess4eva
Summary: Connor never tells people about his childhood. He has reasons, but when it all comes out as Abby accepts a tragedy will it ever be the same? Connor has no chance to continue like this, he has to decide, he has to tell Abby with deathly consequences...
1. Chapter 1 death

**Connor's secret- chapter 1- death**

**This is a random, possibly one off story. I may tell you what happens. If you find out what Connor does next.**

Connor just stared as he heard the news. He just didn't know what to say what to answer. Abby had cried a lot like he knew she would then shut herself away. He knew she was in denial, she just didn't believe it. It just couldn't be possible... she wouldn't understand why they just said that.

They barely comforted her; just came out with it. She'd fainted and barely missed the coffee table. Then everything had been a blur, nobody knew what to say. Who to ask, what to say... People had called to comfort her but it didn't help, she'd just cried so Connor took all the calls and took their messages. He left them all on her bedside table. She would read them later, she'd be comforted by their notes later on.

Connor walked into her room and just sat there on the corner of the bed. "There was nothing you could do," he told her. He lightly placed a hand on her shoulder which she immediately pushed away.

Abby snapped and twisted around to face him. He couldn't' say that he just couldn't say that! "Shut up. Just SHUT up!" Abby shrieked. She rolled of her bed and stormed down the stairs.

Connor stared behind her in absolute shock- she knew she'd be grieving but pushing him away and blaming him..."Abby, Abby wait," Connor mumbled as he ran down the steps.

Abby stared at him angrily. _He didn't- he didn't just say that did he? _"No Connor!" Abby yelled, and that was when she pushed him backwards and seeing he wasn't going to leave her alone she just punched him in his face. Connor stumbled and fell heavily onto his back. A huge black eye forming on his face...

"Abby, Abby stop this," Connor mumbled, getting up slowly from his rather uncomfortable location.

Abby just pushed him back to the floor leaving Connor just staring up at her. "He's dead. He's _dead_!" Abby cried. She stared at Connor for a second and then elbowed him; Connor just sat there and stared at her. Then it sunk in again and Abby ran off once more. Abby slammed the door and Connor tried to get in. She'd thrown a hair dryer at him and he backed away. She wasn't herself. He knew that.

Connor just sat by her door for the whole night. He could hear Abby crying in her room, she'd lost him. Jack was dead. Her brother is dead. There was nothing they could do, nothing they could do to help. They hadn't explained how he'd died. Car crash or something, he couldn't get anything out of her. He had the feeling that Jack had been driving; but he didn't want to imply that it was Jack's fault. He didn't want to say that... He wanted Abby to grieve like she could. But not like this... She was fighting back, terribly venerable like he had never seen. She was never like this. Maybe she has a braking point like so many other people. Connor sat there holding the ring around his neck, he turned it slowly. Ever so slowly breathing in and feeling deathly sick.

He didn't want her to feel pain like he had. He knew she'd lost her parents when she was young and had grown up with her grandparents. But this, this was different. He was all she had... when they had lost their parents they had each other and were more or less okay.

When he'd lost everyone he'd closed up with only Duncan and Tom. He'd stayed with them for a while until they could re-house him.

But he'd almost done the unthinkable. His family were all dead, with only his mother who was simply unable to cope. He had lost it, always carrying the ring to remind himself... We're the weak ones; we're the broken and the disregarded. We're the forgotten part of humanity. The people nobody remembered, the sick and the weak the fragile... He was one of them. But he still had hope. He had friends. And he wouldn't let Abby forget that.

Connor stayed there until he passed out with lack of sleep...

Abby stormed out in the morning pushing the silent form of Connor over to one side; _he'd deserved it. It was his fault_. She'd more or less kicked him away and all he did was to wake up immediately and staggered upright. He just looked at her and followed her downstairs.

He made her breakfast, if she would at least eat it. He managed to burn himself while making it. He just gave it to her and sat across from her. Barely awake and trying to keep awake. He felt dizzy with exhaustion and sick with lack of food. He stared across at her; he wouldn't sleep until he knew she was okay. He could see her large blotchy eyes from crying.

He just stared at her.

Every time she left him Connor was scared. He was happier if she hurt him than lashed out at herself. So he stayed there, waiting for her to answer him and tell her something; anything.

Abby stared at Connor, he wasn't telling her everything. He was acting really sad. When she had punched him he didn't really care. He didn't really defend himself; he was more concerned for her safety. "Why won't you leave me alone!" she hissed.

Connor looked up in his dazed confused self, he had to sleep he would say something wrong. He would, he wasn't very good at saying the right things in the best of times..."Because I want you to be okay," he murmured.

Abby just stared at him, feeling confused, angry, sad and a little concerned. "It's more than that!" she cried. Connor just stared up at her sadly. He couldn't think of an answer which would make her feel okay...

Connor stared at Abby his eyes becoming moist and disorientated. This wasn't happening. Connor stood up and was about to walk away when he turned. "Abby, please..." he muttered and looked at her sadly.

Abby stood up and looked at him. She walked over to him and shook him angrily. "What d'you think I'll do on my own?" Abby asked. She prodded at his chest hard and waited for Connor to tell her anything. Something... Then she realised something... "Connor... why would you think I'd hurt myself," Abby cried. She looked at him and put her hand do his deeply bruised face.

Connor tried to break free and run but Abby was holding him too tightly, "Abby," he murmured. His eyes were heavy and he couldn't bring himself to say anything at all now. He was too scared of the repercussions...

Abby stared at Connor and hugged him lightly. "What; please tell me," she cooed lightly brushing his cheek. Abby carefully held his hand and stared into her eyes.

"Abby..." he murmured his voice thickening with dread and fear. He stared up at her. He didn't want to tell her, he just didn't want her to know. He couldn't bear her knowing-he couldn't bring up the past. "Because I did," was all Connor added and burst into fits of sadness. His eyes were welling up with tears. "Tom pulled me off the cliff and my cousins brought me to the hospital when I had an over dose," he said in one breath the tears now streaming in thick lines coursing down his face.

Abby stared over at Connor and nodded sadly. "How old were you Con?" she asked placing a hand on his face.

"I was thirteen"

Connor turned and pushed Abby away. He couldn't face it. He pushed Abby back down onto the sofa, lifted up his keys and ran to the door. He wouldn't do it. He wouldn't face any of this right now.

"Just don't, Abby," he told her and ran out the door before he could think fully about it. He just got in the car and drove away...

Abby just looked up at Connor as he drove away. The pain of her brother's death was gone, and simple realisation dawned. Oh no, she murmured and felt a pang of guilt. "Connor!" she yelled after him and ran back to her house. She had to find him before he did anything reckless, before he did anything. She'd forced him to this. It was all her fault, and she hadn't known that. Abby called Jess first and Becker answered her mobile. She had told him Connor had ran off and that he was going to do something... she didn't tell them everything. She didn't want to...

**Yeah, I wasn't planning this once. Just the idea sprang to mind.**


	2. Chapter 2 the road to suicide

Connor's secret- chapter 2- suicide

**I kind of had to continue writing this. I had no choice on the matter, I wanted to put what happened into words. And I thought you'd want to know... It took time because my muse is still feeling poorly as am I, so I hope all in all it is good...**

Abby collected her car keys, and looked around sadly. She never thought something like this could have ever happened to them; but it had and there was nothing she could have done to prevent it. She hadn't known Connor's past, she overlooked the importance of it... until now. Abby silently locked the door and ran out into the streets, it was now raining heavily and she was irritated and scared (and still upset) on the events on the past day.

She shivered as she left the building- they should never have fought against him. She shouldn't have done that! She shouldn't have even asked there, or even gone there. She had made a stupid mistake. She had to find Connor; at all costs. Whatever happened, she had to help him. But she didn't know what she would have to do to find him...

At all costs...

Becker and Jess had been surprised by the call to tell them what had happened with Connor. They'd been enjoying a meal at Becker's large apartment when it happened- nobody had expected it, least of all at that moment. Jess wished the call never happened. One; for the sake of Connor; and also rather selfishly that Becker had asked her around his house for tea. That _had_ to imply something! Jess knew it did...

But Jess broke her mind away from that horrible thought. She had to help find Connor- and stop thinking like this! She had more important thing than Becker right now.

Connor could be in trouble... he could be hurt!

Yes; Becker was important, but he was safe. She'd be able to come round his house again. Actually she was planning to anyway...

She knew; she knew that Abby was the only one who would be able to find him, so she'd help as best as she could.

Connor sat there dangling his legs over the edge of the tower block crying weakly, he couldn't bare this... Connor stared down at the busyness below. They were lucky- they were all so uncaring; they didn't even worry about this...

It was the same block that he'd nearly jumped off when he was younger. Tom had managed to stop him, why wasn't he here now. He'd be able to help; he always was good at that kind of thing... Then he'd died to, like everyone did, they died or left.

Connor couldn't do it here now- there were too many people, Abby would find out in the most terrible way... he just couldn't bear that! Abby, Abby; she'd let him down and it was the final straw...

He'd done everything he could to help her- now he sat on a ledge with bruises all over his face and a now broken heart...

So Connor walked steadily down the stairs and out the building... Carefully making sure nobody saw him in the building. If he got arrested for trespassing then he'd be stuffed... everyone would find a way to prevent him from doing the unthinkable. They'd lock him up; at least he'd be with his Mum...

Connor walked across the busy street and looked around... _He'd never see these streets again._

He turned on his phone on- he knew it was reckless but he had to find out.

He had to find out what they were doing to find him.

Whether they were going to come and help.

Whether they were actually worried at all.

He looked as his phone and frowned as he saw all the missed calls and messages on his phone. Most of them were from Abby he realised. Then he heard the phone ringing. He lifted it silently to his ear and smiled; he walked into an alleyway and pressed the answer button. He nearly cried out as he heard... everyone.

He heard Lester being his normal witty self saying that he couldn't leave as he had work to get on with and things to brake. Becker telling him that he _had _to come home as fast as he could and stop being stupid. Then he heard so many voices, he frowned once more and just hung up. They would never give up on him. They would never forgive him for what he was doing.

If he went back like they wanted him to, he would never, never forget that they'd all know...

Connor turned his phone off and continued to walk. He decided the places he'd have to see one last time...

Where they had all died, where his mum was now, where they were buried, where Tom's grave was, where everything has started so perfectly... It was all so overwhelming. It would finally, finally get out there and Abby would know.

Abby grinned to herself; she knew it wasn't the right time to be grinning like she was now. But she had got Jess to open Connor's closed files. The one's he'd closed with a password at the old ARC before anyone had even a chance to peek. Jess had refused to look and was still condemning the idea to look into it. Jess was standing at a distance, ashen faced and deeply concerned. _This wasn't right!_

Abby could barely bring herself to read it- but she had to. She knew it now, she understood. It's why he's like he is and why he acts like he does. She knew he'd go to where it mattered most to him.

So Abby started to go to them, seeing whether or not Connor had already been there. If Abby knew he hadn't then she placed an ARC guard to make sure to stop him if he did. She went to the hospital, the tower block. Where he'd lived, then to the strongest of all places, where he'd watched his family die... It must have scarred him deeply, they'd found him still rocking his sister in his arms, she was barely a toddler when it happened.

Then Abby went to where Tom and Duncan had lived. But there was no sign of anything. Maybe he hadn't gone back to the past. Maybe he couldn't go back and live in the past... So Abby went and called in on Duncan, the only properly living aspect of his childhood. If you call him alive? He's not exactly sane. He's still so fractured and confused by Tom's death.

Abby had barely been able to get in to talk to him, he told her that she should show him her passport or car licence so he knew it was her. She knew that Connor was renting a small flat out for Duncan, but was surprised to see how sane he was now. But he didn't tell her much; he just gave her Connor's phone. The last aspect of Connor, they'd never be able to find him now... or alive at least.

"What did he say?" Abby asked, she frowned up at Duncan.

Duncan just averted his gaze, he didn't like this conversation. But he'd seen Connor, and now at least Connor was content; he was going to be there soon. Finally he'd be with his family and friends. He'd be at peace like he'd always wanted. He'd be _free, _just like he talked about when he was younger... Duncan smiled at the idea, at least he'd be happy, and that was al he cared about. Even though he had tried to convince him, he knew it was pointless. This was what Connor wanted. He needed this. Finally Duncan broke the silence and smiled lightly up at her. "He said that I had to tell you something," Duncan told her.

"_**What**_!"Abby cried nearly going insane at all this waiting around- it wasn't helping Connor. She couldn't let him do this to himself, she just wouldn't let him.

"He told me that you should give up now, there's nothing you can do. Just grieve, you'll find your future as he has found his..." Duncan told her looking up apologetically.

"Why didn't you stop him? You did before!" Abby cried a dark flush spreading over her face. It was now a mix of sadness and despair; she was running out of time. Connor knew where it was ending. It was so unfair. So unfair.

"I can't. It was Tom who did really. He's lost everything again, there's nothing I could do to help," Duncan stated. He walked over to carefully brush dust off a picture of them when they were younger; all on a holiday together. Abby could tell it was Duncan, Tom and Connor with Connor's siblings by the water side. They were all smiling, the same smile that Connor always had. _Had_, she'd said _**had**_. Then a thought sprang to mind, if_ they hadn't died, then what would Connor be like now? Would he be even happier if that was possible? _What if he never joined the ARC? Then everything would be so very different...

Abby stared at Duncan, she'd let Connor down, she knew she had.

Connor sat for a second to catch his breath. He'd caught a bus most the way here then walked the rest. He was hot and sweating now and really tired. He decided when he'd seen Duncan (and told him what he had) that he had to go somewhere which related to his new life. Or the one before the cretaceous.

He'd planned at first to go to the Forest Of Dean where he had first met Abby, but then turned against it... He then decided to go to where he'd camped the night with Abby.

Connor closed his eyes; he'd been in this exact spot all those years ago. Damn his allergies, that's probably why he'd messed up that time! Connor just decided to walk deeper into the forest for a little bit. But as long as he didn't get lost- that would be good but what if his plan failed him?

Connor knew that they would think he was going the other way as he'd bought something with his credit card at the other side of London.

Connor recognised it once more; he thought it was good enough. He was right beside the river... where Abby had put him down.

Connor knew, it had to be here. And he knew Abby was closing in on him, even though she didn't know it yet...

**What d'you think? Well I swear to you next chapter with have the solution to this story... Hope you like it.**


	3. Chapter 3  deciding fate

Chapter 3- deciding fate

**I like the thought of fate, and that Connor thinks this is what binds him to what he is about to do. His mother did it so he has to also... Hope you like it**

"_What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates his fate."_

Connor sat in the undergrowth and pulled out his wallet smiling slowly to himself. He took out the picture of Abby which was on the top; underneath he saw another, and another. Maybe he'd never take them out- he'd certainly forgot about them. He looked down at the picture; it was the old ARC like it was before... they were all gone now. All except Abby ... all except Abby and Connor... for now.

Then there was the same kind picture of the huge group on holiday, this time Connor's parents were there already Connor was dripping wet- he remembered in bright flashes being thrown into the luke-warm water...

Connor pushed it back in and tried to catch his breath, he hated having to remember.

Connor held the picture of Abby at arm's length then got out a pen; he had to leave her a message. He had to make sure she didn't blame herself.

He just knew he had to say something to help her; he knew how she'd feel. But it was now or never, he didn't know why he hadn't just run away before. But then, he thought she liked him...

_**Abby, I knew it would be you but I am so sorry that you didn't give up on me. I'll be fine now. You and everyone else have broken my heart, so I'm already dead .I will wait for you; but you'll probably never come. **_

_**I'll see my family, at last. So I will be happy. Don't worry.**_

_**I love you so much Abby, please say sorry to everyone. I just didn't want to make a fuss.**_

_**Love Connor xx**_

Connor held the photo and crawled in deeper.

He just didn't know exactly how to do it. He only had that packet in his pocket that would be impossible to use. Still Connor swallowed three at once and felt the sudden rush of nostalgia and memory. He'd done this exactly the same... just years and years ago.

He was terrible trying to swallow without water. It was useless; it'd only make him drowsy in the time it'd take until his throat began to close up against the tablets. That was the problem with his second attempt. He just couldn't swallow them all.

Connor sighed, if they found him in time which he was pretty sure they would, they might be able to pump his stomach. Then everything would be so useless.

He had options, but very few... Connor emptied his pockets all over the leaves, he looked down.

He looked through at all of it... two movie tickets, 36p change, a key, and Abby's sunglasses and there was ... there was a penknife. Connor hiccupped to himself in surprise and a reaction to whatever he was taking. It... it looked like Becker's- why did he have that? Well he knew Becker would kill himself about this...

He sighed; _his mum hadn't tried it like this. Maybe it'd work then for him_.

Then Connor realised he just couldn't... he swallowed a few more of the tablets and passed out. Maybe they were stronger than they looked. Connor nudged the packet over with his foot. Yeah, it did say one a day.

Connor held the knife up into the glinting brightness and as he lowered it he passed out for the second time.

Matt had no idea where Connor was going to go, he just didn't seem to know him well enough. Of course he'd read his file. But not all of it, like some people always had a closed section in their personals. He just didn't understand how bad it was. They called it a 'crash' but it didn't seem like that in the reports... he'd seen that the mother was the only one uninjured. And Connor had been thrown from the car into some bushes so had survived... There was something not quite right... in the incident someone was definitely at fault and he didn't like the thought of foul- play.

Matt had understood why Abby had told everyone that if they didn't find him soon he'd be dead. She couldn't tell them, she couldn't. Matt understood and made sure nobody else, no matter how suspicious, would ever find out. They didn't need to, and there was no point...

Matt walked over to where the ADD was, Jess was somewhere else and he looked up Connor's credit card. He looked sadly down at it... He'd purchased something in a chemist, which could be used in a lethal dosage if he wanted to. Matt knew then, they'd never find him alive...

Not good.

Connor stood up placing Abby's picture down and the bloodied knife. He decided, he didn't really want this. _"We create our fate every day we live" _Connor looked up at the now ink black sky, just because his mother did this. Well, it didn't mean he had to.

Connor ran as fast as he could, he had to call Abby. He had to get her here to help him as soon as he could. He didn't want this, he'd settle for what he had before. It was better than he'd thought, it was perfect even.

Abby knelt beside the picture and cried lightly, but where was he? Where had he got to? Abby collected all of his belongings and stuffed them into her pockets.

Then she saw it...

Just lying there in a pool of crimson, a knife that she was sure was actually Becker's. How could Connor have done that to himself? How was that even possible? He wasn't that kind of person, he was innocent. Or at least Abby had thought he was. Maybe that was all a lie, he'd only ever lied to her to protect her. And now was the only time she was really scared about.

Abby knew then, he couldn't have got that far away. She'd find a way to save him. At all costs- whatever she would have to do, she knew she would have to save him.

Connor stumbled through the forest, it was nearly midnight and Connor couldn't find his way out... He was lost and it was so dark. Connor gazed around totally freaked out. He hated all those strange noises. Maybe if he screamed then Abby would come and help, but Connor knew that wouldn't happen. And not here- not now. Connor sobbed quietly and stumbled over the coarse roots.

Connor knew everything was so dark and was surprised to see light off in the distance. Connor stumbled into what seemed like a path. But just guessed it was a road. Connor stood there and frowned, how was he suddenly in the middle of the road? Connor tripped and fell and saw the light suddenly getting ever so close. Connor sprang up and realised...

_He had to get out of the road, it just wasn't safe here._

Connor stumbled as far out of the road as he could, but he just couldn't get away fast enough. He just couldn't... Connor heard the screech deafening in that silence, he heard ever tone and every creak. Then screaming just endless screaming deafening and ear breaking, then he realised it wasn't just the driver screaming. Connor was screaming as he fell off to the side of the road.

He just lay there; maybe he'd find a way to get out? Find a way to live through all of this. But what if the driver left him? What if they drove off? Then there would be no chance Connor would be safe.

Connor looked up at the car, somehow he recognised it. Something seemed familiar, oddly familiar. But he just couldn't seem to place it.

Connor tried to look over at the driver, but moving hurt way too much. Connor blacked out; at least it seemed that the car wasn't moving at all. Was that a good or a bad thing?

Then Connor woke up... someone was supporting his head. "Why did you have to go do that, Con," the voice whispered into his ear. Connor recognised it at once and tried to look her in the face. He couldn't see her, his eyes were blurred with tears and he couldn't move without spasming down his neck.

Connor grinned, "I was trying to get help, you were speeding" He chuckled and began to cough. He looked up and he could hear her calling for help. That smile, that blonde hair, his Abby. Here through it all... just there holding him in the darkness. Holding him as the darkness folded into him.

It ended like it had started, but this time it was Abby cradling Connor. It wasn't Connor holding his sister as she died.

But this wasn't the same. It is never the same.

And Abby could feel a pulse...

"_Fate chooses our relatives, we choose our friends"_

**The song that inspired this fanfic was Letters from the sky by civil twilight. It was just such an awesome song and rather fitting for this genre, so I thought I should write a story on it. I hope you liked it and weren't too disappointed by the lame ending :).**


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